Things That Shatter: A Memoir by Kaighla Um Dayo was an interesting read, one with loads of “GRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLL” moments. Um Dayo is a woman who converted to Islam and married the wrong man, and this book is a manifesto of one bad marriage with a Sheikh. As a white Muslim convert, I couldn’t help but feel a connection with all her experiences. Here is a woman, who from the get-go was peer pressured into finding a husband. Being told by almost all the Muslims she met that marriage was what she needed to be a complete woman. The second husband, the Sheikh Ameer, was a red flag from the beginning and while it is obvious to the reader, for the author now, I understood at the time, it wasn’t that easy of a decision to be with this man whom she fell for. This man abused her and made her believe that her religion required her to be a slave to her husband. She didn’t know any better, she was newly converted and didn’t know that much about Islam. Then comes a supposed religious scholar who should have been the opposite of what he actually was. Eventually, she made her way to Egypt, living in a separate space from his first wife. Which he lied about. I couldn’t help but feel for her.

Th book could be feel at times as one big sob story, but honestly, she was in culture shock and no one was there to help. I had my Bengali in-laws living with me and I could barely make it through the two months having them in my space. At least I could escape to a coffee house and luckily, I don’t have kids either. Here is this woman, in a rural village that can’t speak Arabic and doesn’t know anything about the culture and has no one to speak to besides a husband who ignored her. It honestly was a dumb move on her part, but I don’t blame her. She was doing what she thought was the best and honestly sometimes life is like that.

         I could believe how her husband treated her. I could believe how the other Arab men treated her and  I’m surprised she managed to pray the entire time and remain her faith in Islam. The truth is, her book is important caution tale for new converts. I was lucky to have read feminist works on Islam, the historical aspects of Muhammad, and converted relatively on my own. I also wrote a political paper on Islamic feminism in Pakistan. My grandmothers and mothers, both were approached by Saudi men for marriage and I myself had terrible relationships with a North African Muslim man. I knew what I was getting into and no one in my mosque pressured me into getting married. No one, even cared how I dressed. So I was lucky, I had converted in a good atmosphere.

Um Dayo’s book is important for Muslim women to be wary of rushing into marriage and take it slow. I’m surprised at the strength of Um Dayo, while some people may crab that she could of “gotten out of it”, the truth is she couldn’t of. Here is this woman, with only support of her sister back home with four children, trying to make a living. Not to mention her mental health, and never seems to catch a break. Her life was difficult and honestly, I’m happy she is exploring other areas of Muslim life.

The Sheikh is exactly what pisses me off about many Muslims. The false assumption that some man is an all-knowing religious leader. I’ve sat in mosques and heard Imams give teachings that contradicted hadiths and Quran. I’ve had sisters tell me my wrist shouldn’t show, while I prayed. One woman ran up to me and told me my turban wasn’t a hijab and I couldn’t pray in it. She proceeded to tell me to read the Quran, I had to explain to her I have and what I wore was appropriate. My breast are covered and I was wearing modest clothing (my neck was covered). The hijab is not even mentioned in the modesty verse, it’s the khimar. The word khimar could be translated any other way. She promptly told me to talk to a sheikh or imam. Which baffled me….and still baffles me.

I love how Um Dayo mentions how Muslims seem to lack any spirituality. The truth is I feel the same way, many questions asked in mosques are silly questions; “is eating turkey halal?”. I can’t go to a Quran study group because the woman are just reading from a book written by some sheikh and don’t actually discuss anything written in the Quran. Other women just nod and agree and refuse to ask important questions or question. Which is interesting because the one thing I loved about Islam was how much the religion allows for questions. When Muslims just accept everything blindly, then we become mindless cult-like creatures who confuse culture with religion.

         So, pick up Um Dayo’s book if you want a little drama or if you want an example of a mentally abusive relationship. Do not read this book if you want to read something about Islam or religion. This isn’t a religious book, she is Muslim throughout and doesn’t condemn Islam. This is a book about a woman who made a mistake and struggled to get out of it, and thankfully she made it! Perhaps, she does come off as a trusting soul or attaches herself to men but that doesn’t mean she deserved any of the abuse she received.  This book is important for Muslim women to read, to understand how wrong it is to force marriage upon others. It is a book about abuse and struggles that a woman went through, it something that I think all people should read.

***yes…I realized I used honestly and relatively a lot…I like this word lol ***